Who Am I?
A Semi-Conscious Being
First an introduction for any of my 4 readers who are not familiar with Zen Koans.
A koan is a paradoxical story or a simple question that is essentially used to exhaust the analytical mind and trigger a direct experience of reality.
Typically you “work” on a koan by simply meditating and silently asking the question every so often.
A classic example is “What is the sound of one hand clapping?”
Zen teachers will assign a koan to a student to meditate on to help them progress.
I don’t currently have a Zen teacher, instead I’m using Henry Shukman’s excellent “The Way” app which periodically uses koans as part of a meditation session.
In today’s essay I’m going to take you through a meditation session I recently had for the current Koan I’m working on.
Who Am I?
Such a simple question on the surface.
Before I began my mindfulness journey, my ego would have jumped at the chance to answer that.
I’m a tech founder.
Except I’m not. I’m a retired tech founder.
But that’s still incorrect. That’s answering a “Who” question with a “What” answer.
Who Am I?
A geek? A tech bro? A hiker? A reader? An investor? A mentor?
A meat suit pretending to be an author?
Those are things I’ve done, or activities I enjoy.
But 20 years ago that list would have been a lot different. That can’t be who I am.
Who Am I?
A dad? A Husband? Sure, but those are roles I play. If my wife divorced me I’d no longer be a husband.
But would that change who I am?
No.
Who am I?
A human?
Probably. But I can’t rule out the possibility I’m a simulation of a thing we call a human.
Or I could even be a hybrid alien / human masquerading as a human.
How would I know?
Who am I?
A middle-aged man?
Well, that describes my physical body, but am I my physical body? My daughter says I’m an 8 year old trapped in the body of a 50 something year old.
Maybe when the reverse aging shots come out I can reverse age my body to match my 8 year old inner child?
Who am I?
Am I the narrator in my head?
That’s also not quite right.
Am I the thing / entity / being that is observing the narration in my head?
Feels closer.
Who am I?
Am I Buddha?
Buddhism teaches that we all have an inherent Buddha nature. There is a pure, peaceful, awakened mind inside of me. But 99% of the time my Buddha nature is masked by life events, stress, misplaced ego, illusions, etc.
Who am I?
A meat popsicle?
One of my favorite lines from one of my favorite movies is when Bruce Willis identifies as a meat popsicle.
That’s not bad. Although I don’t feel overly chilly at the moment.
Who am I?
Am I Tony Stark?
Nope, I’m none of those things.
Who am I?
A being walking the eight fold path.